Greetings from the Director of the world's largest and most powerful organization.
We are committed to total destruction of the Earth through thermonuclear war. We are opposed to individual acts of suicide and disasters because they are pointless and cause suffering. We are opposed to suffering, We represent the opposite, the end of all suffering, hence, our motto:
"All at Once."
Ok People, Listen up!
It's getting pretty depressing out there. I ask my followers for one thing, one simple little thing: The total destruction of the Earth through thermonuclear war and what do I get? A pathetic world wide financial meltdown and the slow agonizing destruction of the Earth through pollution, overuse of resources and carbon emissions.
What is wrong with you people?
I tell you to blow up the world and the best you can do is light a few embers? Can't you see the folly of your present course? This is no way to end the world! This will just reduce the population to a sustainable level of a few thousand, and put things off a few decades until the the Earth is overpopulated enough to fight for diminishing resources with thermoneuclear weapons again.
If it weren't for North Korea and Iran and the way the Israelis keep sticking it to the Palestinian's, I'd be tempted to give up. Where's Cheney when you need him?
But that's not what we are here to discuss......................
My nemesis, David Chadwick, is getting active again. This pretender, who some actually refer to as "Priest", must be stopped!
Lately he has tried to fool everyone by concentrating on the Suzuki Roshi Archive project. But he can't fool me. He is just trying to lull us into complacency. Those of us who have known this man for years know that his real purpose is World Peace.
THIS MAN MUST BE STOPPED!
In spite of recent setbacks, (like that idiot in the White house making friends all over the world) I have devised a plot. If we give contributions to the archive project, we can keep him busy and away from International Politics where he will just start spreading his dangerous tree-hugging attitude. Much as it pains me to support the enemy, if we can just keep him busy...
Here's how to do it. Go to www.cuke.com. Be very careful not to read any of the seditious literature there! It is extremely dangerous! Go to the link for tax deductible contributions and distract him with as much money as you can. Again, be very careful not to read any of the dangerous writings there!
Hang on, I've got Cheney and Rumsfeld on the other line. I'll have to get back to you. Get started distracting this Chadwick guy and I'll have more instructions soon.
That's all for today, you can go back to your pointless little lives.
Hamlin Piper-fighting world peace since 1983